time waits for no man memories fade... limbs go weary... still i run the race the race to be with you... my Savior and my Lord
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Friday, August 05, 2005
10:23 PM
Friday night once again...
ya know what? on most friday nights, i'm the most stressed...u know why? cos of my church commitments...
Boys' Brigade Sunday School YF YAF Disciplieship Class
i must say that, sometimes, i have to take leadership roles in all 4 of them during a single weekend! and for someone like me, who is not a natural leader at all, having to face up to or even prepare for these responsibities really take out alot of me.... Perhaps it's all for the better that i'm no longer with the YF, and i only teach Sunday School one month every quarter nowadays... Sometimes i also really wonder why i feel so stressed, why i feel such a burden..i mean, when it actually comes to doing the work, God really grants me strength and perserverence every single time...He is truly faithful, no doubt about that. And yet, i seem to always have to face the same demons each and every time...and no matter how much i seem to pray, i know that i'm not really believing what i'm praying for during the preparation stages... Being the analytical person that i would like to think of myself as being, i can only offer a few hypotheses:
1) all the past memories of how i've not been doing a good job and how i've not put the ministry as my first priority all comes rushing back as i prepare and i see the loopholes... 2) i always can't seem to find people who can help or even people who understand my work to share my burdens with. but then again, this could be because i don't trust ppl with work easily and i also tend not to open up to people in the first place... 3) Mr S.A.Tan is up to his wily tricks and just wants me to stumble. hmmm...guess he has to take e blame all e time when we screw up eh? nah, shan't give him the credit!
well...i guess it's a bit of all in the first place...but perhaps, i shall admit, the major factor to my distress each time is probably the feeling that i'm running this race all alone..BB is definitely my biggest baby, and for as long as i've remembered, it seems like i always have to do things by myself! i gotta say man, that the feelings on friday nights really drives me nearly insane, i get so tensed up, so stressed up, i feel the knots in my stomach, i feel like i'm just gonna implode! so many thoughts, so many worries, so much feelings, i wish i cld share with someone at least, but yet, i can't find anyone offering to listen, or anyone who would listen and be able to understand! and thank God, during the times when He has provided someone to hear me out, it felt like such a great release, but i don't mean to be ungrateful, but it certainly feels like those times were few and far in between. And, sadly, sometimes, when i try to talk to someone, and that person, even though busy, spares the time to accompany me, but yet, i become so demanding, expecting total attention and care, acting like a spoilt brat, that i totally disregard that person's good intentions and perhaps end up even hurting the person...and for that, i truly and really feel awful....it's only then that that feeling manages to get even worse...it becomes like i'm stuck in this black hole of anger, despair, and frustration all wielded in one..
but yet He is faithful..
in the end, all preparations would still pan out, and at the very moment i see the Boys or the kids at Sunday School or YF, my spirits just shoot to the skies and i'm all set for the task at hand...time and time again, it's the same feeling, the same euphoria i experience, that convinces me that, through man's power, nothing can be achieved that even compares to one done through His grace. It's not an empty and meaningless statement when i say that everyone should serve in order to know Him better...
true, the stressful Friday Nights still come now and then, but thank God for sending Eisen, David and Sean to join me in our wonderful BB ministry, and thank God for opening my eyes to see the family and friends who stick by me when i'm down.
Did a Spiritual Gifts test 2 days back, after David encourgaed us to do so during the YAF Bible Study...found that my top 5 gifts were (ranked in order) 1. Teaching 2. Apostleship 3. Faith 4. Serving 5. Pastorship/Discernment/Leadership (tied)
a few years, back, if you told me that Teaching was my top gift, i'd laugh straight at your face. Literally. i mean, i've never understood how ppl can aspire to be teachers, and that people only became teachers after failing to get anywhere else...i mean, think about it, to have a student like me? *shudders*
God's ways are truly wonderful and mysterious. Here i am, bewildered at my friends who aspire to 'touch lives' by teaching, and yet, i AM a teacher! Like what Christopher Lock (a trainer for my BB officer course, and someone i have the utmost respect for even though i'm not at all close to him) said, " just imagine a BB Office to be a banana, take a BB Officer, peel off the drills portion, the discipline portion, the games portion, the canoeing portion, etc, and in the middle, you will find a Sunday School Teacher" Add that to me actually being a Sunday School teacher and ex-YF Cell leader, and voila! Simon is a teacher thrice over.
hmmm....but guess i still wouldn't want to be a teacher...teaching Biblical truths are one thing..and it brings me great joy and satisfaction..but dealing with kids and their education every day? don't think i'm responsible or driven enough..so, teachers! i salute you!
Friday night once again. Once again, i'm alone, typing this blog, pondering my own thoughts.
Alone? Certainly, in the physical sense. Lonely? Nah, cos You'll Never Walk Alone so long as my Lord and Saviour is with me ;)
who am i?
People call me:Simon
i was born: Sept 1981
so i am: 24yrs old
mental torture @: SMU
spam me/msn @: simontkf@hotmail.com
liKes
God
True friends
freedom
tranquility
Soccer!
aspirations
heaven
tentmaker
2 kids - elder son and younger daughter
early retirement
happiness
ArChiVes
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